How Bullying Impacts Child and Youth Mental Health
The Harsh Facts About Bullying
Bullying isn't a harmless rite of passage. It's a serious relationship problem with profound, long-lasting consequences for mental and physical health. For parents, caregivers, and communities, understanding the realities of bullying is the first step toward preventing it and supporting our children.
Bullying in Canada: Key Statistics and Facts
Understanding the scope of the problem in Canada is essential.
Prevalence: Data shows that involvement in bullying remains a persistent issue. A large study found 36% of Canadian youth in grades 6-10 reported involvement in bullying at least once over two months (6% bullied others, 20% were bullied, 9% were both).
Gender Differences: Being bullied is more common among girls, while bullying others is more commonly reported by boys. Teasing or name-calling is the most common form for both.
High-Risk Groups: Youth who are seen as different or unable to defend themselves are at higher risk. This includes youth with disabilities, those who are overweight, and LGBTQ youth, who report being bullied more frequently and severely].
The Bystander Factor: Peer bystanders are present for an estimated 85% of bullying incidents. Their reaction matters greatly; when they intervene, bullying stops within 10 seconds in over half of cases.
What Exactly Is Bullying?
It's crucial to distinguish bullying from simple conflict. According to leading Canadian researchers, bullying is defined by three key characteristics:
Aggressive Behaviour: The actions are unwanted and harmful and there is the intention to harm another person.
Power Imbalance: The person bullying has more real or perceived power (physical, social, etc.) than the target.
Repetition: The behaviour happens, or has the potential to happen, repeatedly.
At its core, bullying is a relationship problem where the young person who bullies learns to use power and aggression to control others, while the person being targeted becomes increasingly powerless. This dynamic can affect not only those directly involved but also bystanders who witness it.
The Many Faces of Bullying: Four Main Types
Bullying isn't just physical. It manifests in several ways, each harmful. These relatable scenarios illustrate how each type can appear in a young person's life.
Physical Bullying
Definition: Using physical force to intimidate, control, or harm someone.
The Scenario: Jamie's Missing Lunch
Every Thursday, after gym class, Marcus and his friends wait by Jamie's locker. As Jamie tries to open it, Marcus shoves him against the lockers and takes his lunch bag, tossing it to his friend. "Thanks for the sandwich, loser," he says, while his friend throws the apple against the wall. Jamie is left hungry, with bruised pride and a growing dread for Thursdays. This isn't a one-time fight; it's a repeated, powerful taking of control over Jamie's space and belongings.
Verbal Bullying
Definition: Using words to demean, threaten, or cause emotional pain.
The Scenario: The "Compliment" That Isn't
In the cafeteria, Alex walks by a table of popular students. "Whoa, look at Alex! Trying out a new look?" Sam says loudly, grinning at their friends. "I mean, it takes real confidence to wear that." The table snickers. The next day, it's, "Nice of you to keep trying, Alex." The comments are always framed as jokes or backhanded compliments, making it hard for Alex to protest without being told to "lighten up." The constant drip of humiliating remarks chips away at Alex's self-esteem, making them feel scrutinized and worthless.
Social/Relational Bullying
Definition: Damaging someone's reputation or relationships through exclusion, gossip, or social manipulation.
The Scenario: The Party Everyone Knew About
Maya sees the group chat light up with photos and videos from a pool party at her best friend Leah's house—a party she wasn't invited to. At school on Monday, the group is huddled together laughing. When Maya approaches, they go quiet. "Oh, hey Maya," Leah says, not making eye contact. "The party was kind of last-minute. We figured you'd be busy." For weeks, Maya is left out of plans, finds conversations stopping when she nears, and feels an invisible wall between her and her former friends. The harm isn't physical; it's the deep, painful isolation of being made to feel invisible and unwanted by your own social circle.
Cyberbullying
Definition: Using digital technology to harass, threaten, or humiliate someone.
Scenario: The Altered Photo
After a sleepover, a silly photo of Kai making a funny face is on someone's phone. The next day, Kai finds that the photo has been edited—crude drawings are on his face, and hurtful captions about his weight have been added. This altered image is posted to a public social media story with the tag "#uglyalert." Within an hour, it's been shared across multiple group chats, and Kai is getting mocking messages and reaction emojis from people he doesn't even know. The bullying has followed him home, into his bedroom, and has a permanent, widespread audience. There is no safe space.
Why These Scenarios Matter
These examples show that the "power imbalance" in bullying isn't always about size or strength. It can be:
Social power (popularity)
Audience power (having a group to laugh along)
Technological power (anonymity or reach)
Psychological power (knowing what will hurt someone most)
By naming these specific behaviours, we move beyond the vague idea of "being mean" and help young people, parents, and educators accurately identify bullying when it happens. This is the essential first step toward addressing it.
What Causes Bullying Behaviour?
Children and youth bully others for complex reasons. Research identifies several contributing factors:
Learned Behaviour: Some may come from environments where using power and aggression is seen as normal or effective.
Peer Influence: Having friends who bully is a strong risk factor.
Social Goals: Some who bully are popular and socially skilled but use aggression to maintain status. Others may have behavioural problems and struggle with friendships.
Underlying Issues: Feelings of insecurity, anger, or a need for control can manifest as bullying.
Bystander Dynamics: When bystanders remain passive, it implicitly signals that bullying is acceptable and can prolong the incident.
Understanding why a young person bullies is not about making excuses, but about identifying the root causes that need to be addressed to change the behaviour. It's rarely about one single reason. Here are some common, complex scenarios that can lead to bullying:
Scenario 1: The Pursuit of Social Status
The Situation: Liam has moved to a new school in Grade 9 and feels like an outsider. He notices that a group of popular athletes often make jokes at the expense of quieter students, and the rest of the group laughs along, boosting the athletes' status. Liam believes that fitting in with this powerful group is the key to being accepted.
The Bullying Behaviour: In the locker room, Liam sees an opportunity. He loudly mocks Ethan's outdated sneakers, using the same tone and style as the athletes. The group laughs, and one of the leaders claps Liam on the back. He feels a rush of social reward.
The Root Cause: This is often about social learning and reinforcement. Liam is using aggression as a tool to gain peer approval and climb the social ladder. The positive reaction from the group (laughter, acceptance) powerfully reinforces the bullying behaviour, making it likely to continue.
Scenario 2: The Copy of Home or Community Dynamics
The Situation: Chloe lives in a home where yelling, put-downs, and intimidation are common ways to resolve conflicts. She has learned that the person who is loudest and most critical holds the power. She feels anxious and powerless at home.
Bullying Behaviour: At school, Chloe tightly controls her group of friends. She dictates what they wear, who they can talk to, and constantly criticizes their choices. "Why would you say that? It makes you sound stupid," she tells one friend. "If you sit with them, don't bother coming back to our table," she tells another. Her friends comply out of fear of her anger and social exclusion.
Root Cause: This reflects modeling and a learned power dynamic. Chloe is replicating the coercive relationship patterns she experiences as normal. Bullying becomes a way for her to exert the control she feels she lacks elsewhere, but it damages her ability to form healthy, reciprocal friendships.
Scenario 3: The Misdirection of Personal Pain or Insecurity
The Situation: Aiden is struggling significantly with math. He feels humiliated when called on in class and is falling behind. He feels "stupid" and fears others will see him this way.
Bullying Behaviour: During a group project, Sam confidently explains a math concept. Aiden, feeling that familiar sting of insecurity, cuts him off. "Wow, someone's a total try-hard. You think you're so smart, but everyone just finds you annoying." He rolls his eyes, getting a few snickers from others who are also struggling.
Root Cause: This is a classic case of projection and pre-emptive strike. Aiden's aggression is a defence mechanism. By putting Sam down, he deflects attention from his own perceived inadequacies. He temporarily boosts his own standing by lowering someone else's, attempting to manage his own feelings of shame and insecurity.
Scenario 4: The Peer Pressure of the Bystander Group
The Situation: Jayden is generally a kind kid, but his core friend group has started targeting Mia, sharing memes about her and laughing when she walks by. Jayden feels uncomfortable but values his friendships deeply and fears being ostracized if he speaks up.
Bullying Behaviour: When his friend makes a cruel joke about Mia's Instagram post, the group looks to Jayden for his reaction. Feeling the pressure, he forces a laugh and adds, "Yeah, seriously." His participation, though reluctant, provides the social validation the instigator seeks.
Root Cause: This highlights the power of group conformity and the fear of social exclusion. Jayden is not a natural instigator, but the desire to maintain his social bonds and avoid becoming the next target leads him to participate. His actions are driven less by a desire to hurt Mia and more by a desire to protect his own social standing within the group.
Key Takeaway for Adults
These scenarios show that bullying behaviour is a symptom of underlying needs or learned dynamics: a need for belonging, a model of unhealthy power, unmanaged personal pain, or intense social pressure. Effective intervention must look beyond punishing the behaviour to understand and address its root cause. This might involve helping a child develop positive leadership skills, providing a model for respectful conflict resolution, supporting academic or emotional struggles, or empowering them to resist negative peer pressure.
This approach is crucial for creating lasting change, helping the young person who bullied to develop healthier ways of meeting their needs, and ultimately creating a safer environment for all.
The Roles in Bullying: A Group Dynamic
Bullying is not a private conflict between two people; it is a public, social event that unfolds within a peer group. Understanding the four key roles helps us see how the behaviour is reinforced and how it can be effectively interrupted.
1. The Person Who Bullies
Role: Initiates the aggressive behaviour to exert power and control over others. This role is not fixed; a young person may bully in one context but not another.
Motivations: Can vary widely, from seeking social status, copying behaviour seen at home or online, managing feelings of insecurity or anger, or responding to peer pressure.
Key Insight: Labelling a child a "bully" can be harmful and counterproductive. The focus should be on addressing the specific behaviour and its roots, not defining their identity.
2. The Target (The Person Being Bullied)
Role: The individual who is on the receiving end of the aggression. They are not to blame for the bullying, which is rooted in the bully's choice and the group's reaction.
Experience: Often involves feelings of shame, fear, isolation, and powerlessness. The repeated nature of bullying can erode self-esteem and create a sense of being trapped in the role.
Key Insight: Support must focus on restoring safety, power, and connection. The goal is to help them move from "target" back to "peer" within the social group.
3. The Bystander
Role: The peer(s) who witness the bullying. This is the most common role, with research indicating peers are present for over 85% of bullying incidents.
Impact: Bystanders hold immense power. Passive observation (watching, laughing, or doing nothing) inadvertently reinforces the bullying, signaling to the person bullying that their actions are acceptable and even admired by the audience.
Key Insight: Most bystanders want to help but may fear becoming the next target, lack the skills to intervene, or believe adults won't handle it effectively. They are not neutral; their inaction supports the status quo.
4. The Upstander
Role: A bystander who chooses to take safe and positive action to stop or reduce the bullying. This shifts the group dynamic and withdraws the social reward the person bullying seeks.
Actions: Upstanding doesn't always mean direct confrontation. Effective, safe actions can include:
Direct Intervention: Using a calm voice to say, "That's not cool," or "Leave them alone."
Distraction: Interrupting the incident by asking the target to come with you or changing the subject.
Delegation: Getting help from a trusted adult.
Delayed Support: Reaching out to the target later in private to offer comfort and allyship. Simply saying, "I saw what happened, and I'm sorry. That wasn't okay," can be incredibly powerful.
Key Insight: When upstanders intervene, studies show bullying stops within 10 seconds in over half of cases. Empowering bystanders to become upstanders is one of the most effective bullying prevention strategies.
The Serious Consequences: Short-Term and Lifelong Impact
Bullying is a significant public health issue. The negative impacts are well-documented and can extend far beyond the school years for all parties involved.
For those who are bullied, risks include:
Mental Health: Depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, and loneliness.
Physical Health: Somatic symptoms like headaches and stomach aches, and research links chronic victimization to long-term, low-grade inflammation in the body.
Academic & Social: School avoidance, learning problems, and difficulty forming healthy peer relationships.
Severe Outcomes: Increased risk of suicidal ideation and behaviour.
For those who bully others, it is not a sign of strength or resilience. They are at higher risk for:
Antisocial Behaviour: Substance abuse, delinquency, and criminal behaviour into adulthood.
Relationship Problems: Difficulty in future relationships, with higher risks of sexual harassment, dating aggression, and intimate partner violence.
Mental Health: Depression and academic problems.
The "Bully-Victim": The Most Vulnerable Path
It is crucial to note that youth who both bully others and are bullied often experience the most severe combination of these consequences. They may act out aggression from a place of their own deep pain and lack of protective social support, leading to complex mental health challenges and the highest risk of adverse long-term outcomes
The harm from bullying extends far beyond the schoolyard, often following individuals for years. These scenarios illustrate how the short-term effects of different bullying roles can solidify into long-term life challenges.
Scenario for the Person Who is Bullied: Maya's Story
The Situation: Maya, a creative and quiet Grade 8 student, has been the target of persistent social and verbal bullying from a group of classmates for over a year. They exclude her from projects, mock her artwork, and call her "weird" and "awkward."
Short-Term Impact (During School):
Emotional: Maya develops constant low-level anxiety. She feels a pit in her stomach every morning before school. She becomes hyper-vigilant in hallways and the cafeteria, trying to avoid her tormentors.
Physical: The chronic stress manifests in frequent headaches and stomach aches, leading to missed school days.
Academic & Social: Her concentration suffers, and her grades begin to slip. Believing the negative things said about her, she withdraws from club activities she once loved and stops sharing her ideas in class. She feels profoundly alone.
Long-Term Impact (Into Adulthood):
Mental Health: The experience becomes a foundational trauma. As a young adult, Maya struggles with clinical anxiety and bouts of depression. She has deeply internalized a belief that she is inherently unlikeable and that social settings are unsafe.
Worldview: She finds it difficult to trust new people or colleagues, often misinterpreting neutral comments as rejection. This "relational template" learned in youth makes forming close friendships and romantic partnerships challenging.
Physical Health: Research shows that the toxic stress from chronic childhood victimization can contribute to persistent, low-grade inflammation in the body, a risk factor for various health problems later in life.
Life Trajectory: Haunted by her school experience, Maya may unconsciously avoid opportunities that require self-promotion or teamwork, potentially limiting her educational and career paths.
Scenario for the Person Who Bullies Others: Jake's Story
The Situation: Jake was a popular athlete in high school who frequently used verbal put-downs and social exclusion to maintain his dominant status in his peer group. He learned that aggression was an effective tool for control and faced few meaningful consequences.
Short-Term Impact (During School):
Social: His behaviour reinforces a social circle based on power and fear, not mutual respect. His friendships are conditional and unstable.
Attitudinal: He develops a pattern of externalizing blame—any conflict is always someone else's fault. He shows a lack of empathy, seeing those he targets as deserving of mistreatment.
Behavioural: He begins to engage in other risk-taking behaviours, like substance use and petty vandalism, pushing boundaries without regard for rules.
Long-Term Impact (Into Adulthood):
Relationship Patterns: The lessons of power and aggression transfer to new contexts. Jake may engage in sexual harassment in university, display coercive control in dating relationships, or become a workplace bully who belittles colleagues. His primary method of resolving conflict is through intimidation.
Legal & Social Consequences: His antisocial trajectory increases the risk of involvement with the justice system. His reputation as difficult or hostile can lead to job loss and social isolation.
Mental Health: Contrary to the image of strength, individuals who bully are at a higher risk for depression, substance abuse, and surprisingly, suicidal ideation. The use of aggression often masks underlying distress.
Parenting: Without intervention, there is a documented intergenerational link; parents who bullied are more likely to have children who bully, perpetuating a cycle of aggression.
Key Insight for Prevention
These scenarios show that the consequences are not merely "feeling bad for a while." They can alter brain development, embed dysfunctional relationship patterns, and shape life trajectories. This underscores why early, effective intervention is not a luxury—it is a critical investment in a young person's lifelong mental, physical, and social health. Stopping bullying is about preventing immediate harm and interrupting these long-term negative pathways.
How to Recognize the Signs: Is Your Child Being Bullied?
Children and teens often don't tell adults they are being bullied. They may feel ashamed, afraid it will get worse, or believe they should handle it themselves. The signs can be subtle and vary greatly by age. Here are key signs to watch for and three illustrative scenarios (by age group):
Physical Signs: Unexplained injuries, lost or damaged belongings, frequent headaches or stomach aches.
Emotional Changes: Increased sadness, anxiety, moodiness, or anger. Seeming "on edge" or withdrawn.
Behavioural Shifts: Loss of interest in friends, school, or activities they once enjoyed. Avoiding social situations or specific places (like the school bus).
School-Related Issues: A drop in grades, difficulty concentrating, or not wanting to go to school.
Changes in Routine: Altering their route to school, trouble sleeping, or changes in eating habits.
Digital Clues: Being upset during or after using their phone/computer, or suddenly stopping device use.
Scenario: The Primary School Child (Ages 5-10)
The Situation: Leo, a cheerful 7-year-old in Grade 2, has started coming home from school unusually quiet. His favourite superhero backpack has a new, unexplained tear. At dinner, he pushes his food around his plate and complains of a stomach ache, something that happens most Sunday nights and weekday mornings.
What a Parent Might See & Hear:
Physical & Emotional Clues: Increased, vague physical complaints (stomach aches, headaches) that follow a pattern (e.g., before school). Sudden regression in behaviour, like renewed bedwetting or clinginess.
Tangible Signs: Unexplained damage to clothes, toys, or school supplies. "Losing" lunch money or snacks frequently.
Behavioural Shifts: A noticeable drop in enthusiasm for school or the school bus. Making negative, self-critical comments like "Nobody likes me" or "I'm dumb." Reluctance to play outside or attend extracurricular activities they used to enjoy.
Why They Don't Tell: At this age, children may not have the vocabulary to explain relational aggression. They might see the bully as a "big kid" or a "boss" and feel it's a normal, if scary, part of school they have to endure.
Scenario: The Middle School Child (Ages 11-13)
The Situation: Fatima, an outgoing 12-year-old in Grade 7, has become increasingly withdrawn at home. Her parents notice she spends all her time in her room and has stopped inviting her longtime friends over. Her straight-A grades have begun to slip, particularly in a class where she has to do group projects.
What a Parent Might See & Hear:
Social & Digital Clues: A sudden shift or loss of long-standing friendships. Being preoccupied or distressed after being on their phone or computer, then quickly closing apps when a parent enters.
Academic Changes: An unexplained decline in grades or school effort. Avoidance of specific classes or activities (like gym or band) where the bullying may be occurring.
Emotional Changes: Appearing sullen, irritable, or secretive. Making excuses to stay home from school ("I have a headache again") or social events ("Those parties are boring now"). Expressing general feelings of loneliness or being an "outsider."
Why They Don't Tell: Social status becomes paramount. They may fear that adult intervention will make them look "weak" or a "tattletale," further damaging their social standing. They are navigating new social hierarchies and may believe they must solve problems on their own.
Scenario: The Teenager (Ages 14-18)
The Situation: Ben, a 16-year-old, has always been a good student and a dedicated runner on the track team. Lately, he's missed several practices, citing "too much homework." He seems constantly exhausted and snaps at his family over minor issues. His parents see a series of ambiguous, hurtful comments on a recent Instagram post of his, but he refuses to talk about it.
What a Parent Might See & Hear:
High-Risk Behaviours: Significant changes in sleep or eating patterns. Self-destructive behaviours like talking about self-harm, using alcohol/drugs, or engaging in reckless behaviour.
Major Withdrawal: Abandoning long-held passions (sports, arts, clubs). Spending excessive time alone and severing ties with their usual friend group.
Severe Emotional Distress: Expressions of hopelessness, worthlessness, or rage. Direct or indirect statements about suicide (e.g., "Everyone would be better off without me"). Extreme avoidance of school, leading to truancy.
Digital Evidence: Obvious spikes in distress linked to device use, yet an angry refusal to discuss it. Deleting social media accounts entirely.
Why They Don't Tell: Teens are striving for independence and often view asking parents for help as a failure. The bullying may be complex (involving social media, sexual harassment, or identity-based attacks) and feel too humiliating or complicated to explain. They may also have a deep distrust that adults can or will help effectively.
A Crucial Note on Bystander Siblings
Sometimes, the first clue comes from a brother or sister. They may mention in passing that "everyone laughs at Leo at recess" or that "Fatima eats lunch in the library now." Paying attention to siblings' observations can provide critical context.
What to Do If You See These Signs
These scenarios are red flags, not a diagnosis. The next steps are:
Choose a Calm, Private Moment: Don't ambush them. Try talking during a side-by-side activity like a car ride.
Use "I" Statements & Open Questions: "I've noticed you seem really upset after being on your phone lately, and I'm concerned. Is there anything going on that you want to talk about?" or "It seems like track isn't making you happy anymore. What's changed?"
Listen, Validate, and Believe: If they disclose bullying, your first job is to listen without judgment, validate their feelings ("That sounds incredibly hurtful and unfair"), and assure them you believe them and will work with them on a plan to make it stop.
What Can Parents and Caregivers Do?
If you suspect or know your child is being bullied, your support is critical. Here are steps based on expert advice:
Listen and Connect: Create a calm, safe space for your child to talk. Listen without judgment, believe them, and reassure them it is not their fault. Your support is their greatest buffer against harm.
Develop a Safety Plan: Work with your child and the school to create an immediate plan. Who can they go to at school? What routes are safe? The goal is to restore their sense of safety.
Document Everything: Keep a record of incidents—dates, times, what happened, and who was involved. This is crucial if you need to involve the school.
Contact the School: Meet with a teacher, counsellor, or principal. Share your documentation and work collaboratively on a response. Ask about the school's bullying prevention policy.
Build Resilience and Confidence: Help your child develop interests and skills outside of school where they can excel and make friends. This builds self-esteem.
Support Healthy Relationships: Coach them on friendship skills and help them identify supportive peers.
Seek Professional Help: If your child shows signs of anxiety, depression, or trauma, connect with a mental health professional. The effects of bullying are real and treatable.
How to Respond if Your Child Is Bullying Others
It can be distressing to learn your child is bullying. This also requires a thoughtful, proactive response:
Address It Calmly and Clearly: State that the behaviour is unacceptable and explain its impact on others.
Understand the "Why": Try to understand the reasons behind the behaviour (e.g., peer pressure, copying others, feelings of anger).
Set Consistent Consequences: Implement meaningful, non-violent consequences related to the behaviour (e.g., loss of privileges, repairing harm).
Teach Replacement Skills: Help them develop empathy, anger management, and positive ways to use power and leadership.
Increase Supervision and Collaboration: Monitor their activities more closely and work with the school on a consistent plan.
Seek Professional Help: If your child continues to demonstrate bullying behaviours, connect with a mental health professional who will be able to support you in addressing the underlying reasons for their behaviour.
Building a Kinder Future Together
Bullying is preventable. The solution lies in changing the relationships and environments that allow it to thrive. This means promoting empathy, respect, and inclusion at home, in schools, and online. It means empowering bystanders to safely speak up and ensuring every child knows they have the right to be safe. By working together—parents, educators, and communities—we can fulfil our shared responsibility to protect young people's mental health and help them grow in a world free from bullying.
If you or a young person you know is in crisis, please reach out for help:
One Stop Talk is a free, confidential service that lets children and youth under 18 years of age get immediate mental health support with a registered therapist. Call 1 855 416 TALK (8255) or connect online from anywhere in Ontario
Kids Help Phone: Call 1-800-668-6868 or text CONNECT to 686868.
Talk Suicide Canada: Call or text 1-833-456-4566 (24/7).
If your child or youth is experiencing a mental health crisis, please call 9-1-1 or COAST (905) 972-8338 or visit McMaster Children’s Hospital: Child and Youth Mental Health Emergency Services (CHYMES).
REFERENCES / SOURCES:
Public Safety Canada Bullying Prevention: Nature and Extent of Bullying in Canada
PREVNet Bullying Facts and Solutions
Parents and Caregivers for Mental Health Understanding Bullying and Managing Its Impact
Health Behaviour in School-aged Children Bullying and Fighting Among Canadian Youth
Bullying Canada Understanding the effects of bullying on mental health
Mental Health Commission of Canada Proactive Prevention
Canadian Psychological Association “Psychology Works” Fact Sheet: Bullying among Children and Youth
Ontario Psychological Association Bullying and its toll on Youth Mental Health
Government of Canada The Health of Canada’s Young People: a mental health focus - Bullying and fighting
