Naming and Normalizing Feelings
About Returning to School
"I'm not ready."
"What if I don't like my teacher?"
"What if I don't have any friends in my class?"
As summer winds down and the back-to-school season approaches, these thoughts and worries can fill the minds of children and youth. And they are completely normal.
Returning to school after a break is a significant transition. It rewrites daily rhythms, expectations, and even identities. Some students welcome the change with excitement, while others approach it with hesitation or anxiety. The Canadian Mental Health Association (CMHA) reminds us that "it's important to remember that both experiences are valid" .
As parents and caregivers, one of the most powerful things you can do is help your child name and normalize their feelings. When we give emotions a name, we take away some of their power. When we normalize them, we let children know they are not alone—and that there is nothing wrong with them for feeling this way.
This guide explores how to support your child through the mixed emotions of returning to school, using a compassionate, evidence-based approach.
The Mixed Emotions of Back to School
It is common for children (and parents!) to experience a mix of excitement and worry about the return to school. A child might be thrilled to see their friends after a long break but anxious about a new teacher or a heavier academic workload. This emotional back-and-forth is completely natural. As child psychologist Dr. Caroline Danda explains, "Excitement and anxiety both activate the nervous system, so butterflies and a racing heart can happen in either state".
For some children, the shift from the unstructured freedom of summer back to the predictable routine of school can feel jarring. Others may have had difficult experiences in previous years—with bullying, academic struggles, or social isolation—that resurface as dread.
The goal is not to eliminate these feelings. The goal is to help children recognize, accept, and cope with them.
Step 1: Name the Feeling
"Name it to tame it." This is a cornerstone of emotional regulation.
The first step in managing a big feeling is to identify it. When feelings are vague and unnamed, they can feel overwhelming. Putting them into words makes them more tangible and manageable .
You can help your child by:
Using open-ended questions: Instead of "Are you nervous about school?" (which can feel leading), try: "How are you feeling about school starting?" or "What's one thing you're thinking about as the first day gets closer?"
Offering feeling words: Some children may struggle to find the right words. You can offer suggestions: "Are you feeling excited? Nervous? A little bit of both?"
Validating their response: Whatever they say, acknowledge it without judgment. "That makes a lot of sense. It's a big change."
Psychologist Robyne Hanley-Dafoe also emphasizes the importance of validating feelings through a "head, heart, and body" approach. She suggests that positive thinking (head) and emotionally attuning to your child's feelings (heart) are key to helping them cope with mixed emotions.
Step 2: Normalize the Feeling
Once you have named the feeling, the next step is to normalize it. Let your child know that their feelings are not unusual, wrong, or a sign of weakness.
What you can say:
"You know, it's really common for kids to feel nervous before the first day of school. Even I used to feel that way!"
"It makes perfect sense that you'd feel worried about making new friends. That's a new situation, and it's okay to feel unsure."
"Lots of kids have mixed feelings about going back to school. You can be excited to see your friends and nervous about a new teacher at the same time."
When you normalize their feelings, you reduce the shame or isolation they might feel. You are telling them: "You are not broken. This is part of being human."
Step 3: Use Calm Language
The words we use matter. The Waterloo Region District School Board (WRDSB) highlights how language can activate or calm a child's internal "alarm system".
Instead of focusing on "safety" (which can imply danger), they suggest shifting to language of "security" and "health." For example, instead of saying "I need you to be safe at school," you might say: "I know the adults at school will take care of you, and I'm looking forward to hearing about your day."
Shifting away from a language of fear and towards a language of hope and connection helps children feel more secure.
Step 4: Address the “Unknowns”
Uncertainty is a major driver of anxiety. The more you can reduce the "unknowns" for your child, the more grounded they will feel .
Here are some practical ways to create predictability:
Do a "practice run": Walk or drive the route to school, find their classroom, or practice the morning routine .
Share information: Tell them what you know about the teacher, their schedule, or any new school routines.
Create a visual schedule: A simple calendar or chart that maps out the first week can help children feel more in control.
Practice the "PACE" approach: Compass Fostering recommends using an approach that is Playful, Accepting, Curious, and Empathetic to discuss school worries in a low-pressure way.
Step 5: Validate Without Solving
When your child expresses a worry, your first instinct may be to jump in and solve the problem. While this comes from a place of love, it can sometimes be more helpful to simply listen and validate.
The WRDSB guide recommends a powerful strategy: Accept the feelings, but hold back on judging, dismissing, countering, defending yourself, teaching a lesson, or solving your child's problem. Sometimes, your child just needs to be heard.
A validating response might look like:
Child: "I'm worried I won't have any friends in my class."
Parent: "That sounds really hard. It's so normal to worry about that. Tell me more about what you're thinking."
This approach does not mean you ignore the problem. It means you start from a place of connection. Once your child feels truly heard, they may be more open to brainstorming strategies with you.
Step 6: Take Care of Yourself
Finally, it is important to acknowledge that parents and caregivers feel the stress of back-to-school transitions, too. In a survey, 63% of Canadian parents reported that back-to-school expenses have a significant impact on their household budget, and 58% described the season as stressful.
Your child looks to you for cues on how to react. If you are feeling anxious or overwhelmed, they can sense it. The School Mental Health Ontario resource encourages parents to practice self-care, maintain a consistent sleep routine, and reach out to friends and family for support.
By taking care of your own mental health, you are better able to be a calm, steady anchor for your child. As Dr. Danda puts it, aim to "be an anchor, not a mirror". Your regulated emotions set the tone and give your child the stability they need to process their own feelings.
Final Thoughts
Returning to school is a significant life transition. The mixed feelings that come with it—excitement, anxiety, anticipation, and dread—are not a sign of a problem. They are a sign that your child is human and adjusting to something new.
When you help your child name their feelings, normalize them, and use calm, reassuring language, you provide them with a life skill that extends far beyond the first day of school.
You are not alone. And neither are they.
RESOURCES
School Mental Health Ontario How to Help Your Child Have a Mentally Healthy Return to School
CMHO Back-to-School Worries for Parents
Canadian Mental Health Association 5 Ways to Support Mental Health This Back to School Season
Waterloo Region District School Board Caregivers’ Guide to Setting the Stage for Return to School
Psychology Today Supporting the Mixed Emotions of Back to School
Upper Canada District School Board 5 Tips for Supporting a Mentally Healthy Return to School
